"My daughter is vain," I lamented to my older mommy friend, Kris the other day. "She's sane?" "No, she's vain, she's vain!" I had just french braided her hair and afterwards she tore it out in a huff because it was "bumpy" all the while yelling at me, "It's not pretty, Mama!"
She is 4, why is this an issue? We have been battling this for a while it seems. She wants to pick out her clothes, and wear dresses everyday, these things are fine with me. But now everything seems to revolve around her being pretty or not. The other day she said she liked another little girl in her SUnday school class because she wore a pretty skirt. Really? I am done with it all.
Thankfully Kris gave some good advice, like discipline her for being disrespectful, not for being vain. And when she is level headed continue to talk about what actually makes a person beautiful, namely the way we treat other people, showing kindness and patience, when we share our toys and speak kind words. She reminded me that if I were feeling particularly frumpy on a given day I would not want Dave to admonish me with words like, "You are pretty when you are kind to others" even if it is the truth.
So we continue to try to teach Hadleigh, and I continue to look at myself and see what in me contributes to the way she looks at herself.
I feel mostly lucky. I have never had real issues with myself. Most of my friends in high school had eating disorders, but I have never really struggled with my weight. OK, I have never been the skinniest, I have just always been average, and that is good with me. I would love to be more fit, and I would love to have lost all the goo around my waist from baby #3, but the weight will come off...or it won't...and life will go on. And I'm happy, not obsessive, just happy. I have heard that girls learn body image from their mothers. I do not know if that is true or not, but it makes me very aware that I need to be careful about the way that I talk about myself and my body around them.
More and more I see that it is a real gift that I feel happy with myself, and I want my daughters to be happy with themselves. Who cares if you are skinny and pretty, but mean? Skinny and pretty fade but kindness never fades. And honestly don't you think older women look better when they aren't bone skinny?
Earlier this week I read this article in Redbook (can I mention that I find it a little ironic...Redbook? I mean isn't Redbook mag part of the problem?) like this one, and I cringe. I already feel this when I go shopping for my girls. My daughter is 4, she isn't a rock star, thank you very much. However even at department stores like JCPenneys and Macy's once you are past age 2, the only choices for dressing are clothes that aren't even appropriate for 14 year olds. And, though maybe at some level it might be "cute" I just have to think if I don't want them wearing it at 14, why would I put them in it at 4? I don't want my daughter wearing pants with writing on the bootie at 4, or at 14 or at 24.
Sometimes all this terrifies me, but hopefully we will all survive and my girls will grow up to love the Lord and care more about showing kindness than size and weight and clothes.
3 comments:
Phil won't let me wear pants with writing on the bootie, either. It's a real drag.
that sucks, but at least he lets you get cool tats!
So thankful for wise mommies who have gone before us in these arenas. I think you are right that the way a mother thinks of and talks about herself can rub off on her daughters...this is why I'm terrified of having a girl. I don't want to pass on my issues! That, and the finding appropriate clothing for little girls in our body-obsessed culture issue also seems daunting...
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