Maybe it is because I am a first born child, I am not sure, but whatever the case may be there can be no doubt that I am an overachiever. OK, not the kind of overachiever that decides to bike up a 90% grade incline in Colorado. Or the kind that decides to run a marathon or even the kind that works out everyday. I never cared about being successful and ridiculously rich, so not that kind either. When we applied for life insurance a couple years back our financial advisor said that while if Dave died we needed to have enough insurance to cover his salary, if I died we just needed enough to cover services. Yea, that is me. My first job out of college I made $9/hour. It is probably also fitting that my last job before Hadleigh was born I made $9/hour...oh wait I think I did make it up to $9.60...ah the joys of being a contractor for the Army.
So, in any case, there are some areas of my life that I have realized I am an overachiever. I have realized that the fun thing about being an ENFP (well besides the fact that word on the street has it that Jesus was an ENFP) is that not only do I have tons of energy (supposedly), but I have a high tolerance for chaos (so they tell me), I can multi-task like no ones business (hmmm) AND I can put on a great show with all my tricks as if it was absolutely no problem and I never sweat doing it either!
Bring on the move from across the world, being jobless for 6 months, having two children under 2, buying a house and moving yet again, all the while hosting a community group at my home and serving on a ministry team at church. No problem, and if that wasn't good enough for you, there is so much more. I can scrub my floors everyday while keeping the rest of my house immaculate, and clip coupons while I am changing a diaper. Do you want more? How about spending hours reading Martin Lutheer's Bondage of the Will, while simultaneously doing a "not-so-easy to mostly difficult" sudoku puzzle. And on the side I'll watch your baby, cook you a meal, listen to you cry about a lost boyfriend or job or whatever you want to tell me about. OH yea, and did I mention that I am an expert in payroll, insurance shopping, will-making, and bank account changes and investing for retirement and college savings. Bring it on!
I am certainly tired and the thing is I am not even done yet. Let's also paint the walls in our home...no let's tear down the walls in our home and map out a schedule to catechize the girls, and not only should I be teaching them scripture and hymns and the Westminster Catechism, I better also be reading the classics to them, now I have to find out what the classics are.
Anyway, this is all a rant because last night I was too tired to sleep, so I got up at midnight to come downstairs and google "circle time with preschoolers". I am not even sure what circle time is, but I am certain I should be doing it with my girls. SO I sat up and researched different ideas and then found some good book lists for not only teaching them scripture, but for also reading to them good literature...move over Sandra Boynton (don't you love Moo Baa LaLaLa?). So today I am bone tired, and thinking through, should I really attempt to implement this whole circle time idea, and if so, should I consider not doing all the other things that I have been thinking about doing this fall? Like cleaning my house and going to play with refugees and their children?
The thing is I am not really stressed, I am just so ADD that I cannot decide what is important and what is not. I want to do all these things well, and the reality is I cannot. If I choose to make you a meal I will likely yell at my girls before I have dropped it off. And I will probably leave the dishes for Dave to do when he gets home. And though my house MIGHT be clean when you pop over to tell me about your woes, it was because I put the girls in front of a video.
So, now I will continue to wrestle with how to be totally me...while also being slightly responsible. How can I care about all the things in my head, while truly caring for the ones that I am directly in charge of? And what does it truly mean to take care of my girls anyway? Some moms provide wonderfully calm, tranquil, beautiful, clean homes to live in...I drag my girls to Belize to play, sweat and get heat rash all over their poor little bodies.
I am sure this is a common struggle for moms. We are told we can do it all, but it is just not true. At some point I have to decide what I care about and what I don't. I know one thing, I'll be happy to have you over to my unclean, undusted house, and listen to your woes, that is by far my favorite thing to do and I hope I never get too busy to do that.
4 comments:
And don't forget blogging about it all, too! :)
I struggle constantly with accepting the limitations of motherhood. It's hard, I think in part because we have been accustomed to being able to accomplish most anything we set our minds to, but now it seems that we have to make more choices. And it's made harder by the fact that there are so many good things that I could potentially devote myself to, and so much that interests me. I'm constantly praying for wisdom to know where He wants me to focus and what He wants me to choose and praying that it will somehow be obvious where He is leading amidst the constant barrage of opportunities and information.
Don't know if that's exactly what you're struggling with, but I guess it's similar. Thankfully, Jesus died for overachievers and the like, and loves us deeply no matter how clean our house is, or how well our children are catechized. If only I did all things solely because of that love!
When can I come over for a chat???
I can really relate and every once in a while I get a reality check that perhaps some things need to go in exchange for other ones...and I get all these great ideas about how I can minister to others and be involved in this and that at the same time, but sometimes it is just not doable without neglecting my first duty to my family , in whatever form that takes, but the balance can lie both directions.
I have also been convicted of choosing to invite people over even when the house is a mess--constant now that D is here. Most people just love the opportunity and will happily overlook the mess!
I'm not sure what ENFP stands for, but, from your description, I'm pretty sure I'm the total opposite. Must be why we're friends. :-) (hold on ... does this mean I'm like the devil?) You need to drop your girls off here sometime soon and go home and TAKE A NAP!
I struggle every day with what should be my priorities. It would be nice if there was a clear answer, then I could hopefully quiet the guilt about all the other things that go undone.
I have been thinking about almost exactly the same things the past few weeks. Thanks for sharing - it's encouraging just to know there's other people in the same place.
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