Being a Mama

I have definitely learned a lot over the past year since becoming a mama. One of the things I learned off the bat, even before becoming a mom was that there are a lot of decisions to make. I remember just after I found out I was expecting someone asking me if I was going to use a pacifier...of course, I had no idea, and was trying to think about what might be bad about using one. Then there was one of my favorite questions...about what way I was going to have the baby, with an epidural or "natural". Like I knew what it is going to be like to have a baby? My fav answer to that question was, "I am going to do it the way the baby comes out"...whatever way that is. I am no hero and think it is impossible to make a decision like that until you are in the situation.

Of course once Hadleigh arrived there were all sorts of other questions. The diaper question was easy (cloth or huggies) because we didn't have a washer/dryer. Formula/breast feeding. Gerber baby food/make your own. Babywise/Healthy Sleep Habits. Baptism/no baptism. And of course, everyone has a strong opinion one way or another.

All through these decisions I have tried to stay balanced and remember that none of these things are going to necessarily help or harm my baby. In my opinion Hadleigh wasn't going to be smarter or dumber whether I gave her formula or nursed her. And I am still hoping that she won't grow up to be a mass murderer because I didn't use cloth diapers.

All of these decisions to me are very trivial things...I mean important decisions at the time, but none of them are necessarily going to have a lasting impact on me or Hadleigh, so I try not to sweat these things and take them all with a grain of salt.

Sometimes I get frustrated that Hadleigh won't drink out of a sippy cup yet, but then I just try to chill out because there aren't many adults who walk around drinking out of a bottle, so...

I think the things that I am most concerned about with Hadleigh have to do with who I am and my character, as opposed to what I do. Santa...Easter Bunny...Tooth Fairy...I don't think these will leave lasting scars. But my faith or lack of faith in Christ will deeply mold what Hadleigh thinks of Christ. They way Dave and I treat and speak to one another will deeply mold the way Hadleigh views marriage. The way I treat the checker at Kroger and the waiter at the restaurant will mold the way Hadleigh treats others.

These are the things that most scare about being a mother. When Hadleigh is applying to colleges or a job, no one is going to ask when she started walking...or talking...or reading...or drinking from a cup. They are going to look at her character, does she work hard, is she ambitious, does she treat others well, and some of these things will be a reflection on my character. This to me is the scariest part of being a mother.

This is also the thing that drives me to the feet of Jesus, asking him to make her heart soft to Him. I pray that she won't know a day without Him. And I also ask that she will love all kinds of people. I know that in spite of me and my character flaws, the Lord can answer these prayers. I also know that it is only by His grace that Hadleigh will love and serve the Lord. I can only model a life of repentance, I cannot create that repentance in Hadleigh.